Unification Sanctuary Matching Handbook

IV. THE MATCHING PROCESS

A. STEP One: Finding Potential Matching Candidates

1. The essence of the Blessing tradition is reversing the self‐centered love which started with Adam and Eve and caused all the breakdown and tragedies ever since. God-centered guidance and approval through the parents is designed to provide an essential vertical input to the process of finding a mate. If parents are not present or unable to take this role, the process is much more challenging. Other people such as matching advisors must try to fill that role.

2. Potential matches for your child can be found from many sources. Strategize ways to find candidates.

  1. Parent’s suggestions: Who can the parents identify and recommend a possible candidate?
  2. Candidate’s suggestions: They are encouraged to offer names. God can work through the candidate’s relationships if they were centered on God. Secret attractions need to be discussed in a trusting and mature environment or else when they are not worked out, somewhere in the future one or more people are going to have disappointments and resentments.
  3. Siblings and friends: They often have a valuable network.
  4. Elder friends of the family: They know people you don’t know. Divine inspirations can come through family friends.

B. STEP Two: Identifying a Candidate for your child

1. It is recommended that you make a short list of candidates that look like a possible good match.

  1. Prioritize the list together with your matching team. #1 would by your first choice to contact.
  2. Gather information about the candidates from available sources like profiles and people you know.
  3. Prepare questions that you would like answers to for the parents and candidate.

2. Have your child prepare his or her introductory and advanced profile information. This will be shared with any family you contact.

  1. The standard profile on the website was designed for the initial contact.
  2. Prepare high quality photos (head and shoulders, full length, whole family).
  3. Supplement with other profile information that would be valuable to share.

C. STEP Three: Make contact with another family about matching

1. Making first contact.

  1. Keep it short. Purpose is to find out if the candidate is currently available for contact.
  2. Prepare for a “not available” so as not to take it personally.
  3. We suggest email because it is less confronting than a phone call.
  4. Alternatively, a mediator could make this initial contact without using names.
  5. We suggest you say something like, “We saw your son’s (daughter’s) profile and we were impressed by ________ (fill in the blank). We thought highly enough of him/her that we were wondering if you would like to exchange profile information with us. Please let us know immediately that you have received this outreach so we won’t be wondering if it got lost. Then please take 2 or 3 days to come to a decision whether or not you would like to go to the next step of exchanging more information.”
  6. If you receive a contact about matching from another family, respond immediately that you have received it. This is good etiquette in matching. Not responding that you received their outreach is disrespectful and discourteous. In your response explain what you will do next and how long before you will give them an answer about going to the next step or not.

2. Parent to parent contact or using a mediator

  1. Direct emailing between parents can work the fastest.
  2. Asking the help of a mediator (Matching Advisor) can also be helpful. In some cases it might be best to have the mediator make the first outreach to see if the candidate is available. No names would need to be exchanged at first.
  3. If the candidate is available, the mediator could share the name and some profile information of the interested party. Then after they express interest or not, convey that information back to the original family.
  4. A mediator can be helpful in gaining important information about the situation in a family. Or conversely, the mediator could share a special situation (ex. loss of purity, broken Blessing, children, disability) without sharing any names to see if the contacted family would still be open to going to the next step.

3. Exchange “introductory profile information”

  1. This is the basic profile written by the candidate (ex. website profile). Other information as desired may also be shared.
  2. It includes the 3 high quality photos. Others may be added as well.
  3. Parents’ additional comments and testimonies, church history, etc. may be helpful if desired.
  4. It is easier if this is gathered into one complete email package so the other party does not have to work hard to gather it all together from different sources, including the website. Not everyone is good with the Internet.

4. Both families clearly DECIDE to enter into discussions about matching with the other family.

  1. Clarify whether this will be exclusive or not, meaning they will only talk to each other until a conclusion is reached.
  2. Agree that confidentiality will be kept.
  3. If one family remains open to contact from other possible matching outreach, everyone needs to know they are doing that.
  4. Our best recommendation from experience is to deal with only one family at a time. So if one family wants to remain open in the beginning, there should be a definite point if the relationship starts to build that they stop accepting other contacts and focus on just this one until a conclusion is reached.
  5. Confusion needs to be avoided. Clearly state that “We are now entering into discussions about matching our son with your daughter and this will be an exclusive discussion until a final resolution is reached about whether this will be a match or not.”

D. STEP Four: Advancing the Communication

1. Exchange more advanced information

  1. Ask the other family for more information and photos.
  2. Ask questions for information that you want to know in order to make a decision to go forward.
  3. Facebook and other social media profiles might be helpful.
  4. Personality profiles can be greatly helpful. (See Appendix for how to get them.)
    1. Myers-Briggs
    2. Flag Page
    3. Five Love Languages
    4. Five Apology Languages
    5. Carol Tuttle Energy Types

2. Decide on a process for give and take between the candidates

  1. You could begin by having the candidates write short essays on questions of interest. (See Appendix for suggestions.)
  2. Who will email who first? What is the plan for frequency of emailing because people are different in their communication styles?
  3. When to start talking on the phone? Will the parents talk on the phone and to whom?
  4. When to start video chatting.
  5. What is the reporting and sharing process to the respective parents? How often and how much do parents want to know what is going on? Do the parents report to each other?

3. Going deeper

  1. A certain amount of time is needed to learn the general details of another person’s life.
  2. After maybe 21 days or 40 days, have a discussion about continuing to go forward.
  3. Both sides clearly DECIDE to get serious to see if this will be a match.
  4. Begin to discuss serious questions and issues about your relationship. Write down the questions to ask and then the answers so you’ll remember them. Pray. Take note of points that make you uncomfortable. These “red flags” need to be dealt with before going to the next step.
  5. Do research on mature love marriages and what makes for successful mature relationships. (See Appendix for recommended resources). Definitely learn about the differences between men and women.
  6. Full disclosure. This is the time when any information needs to come out that would be a shock to the other family or cause damage to the future relationship. This would include loss of purity, struggles with pornography, tobacco use, alcohol use, drug use, sexual abuse, physical health concerns especially any effecting child bearing, or mental health issues. You could also include challenges in the family, between parents, with siblings, etc. Also issues of faith in God, Christ, the church, etc. Even career choice or country of residence might be an issue if one person has a very strong preference. If you expose everything and someone still loves you, you know it is real. If you keep secrets, you are never sure they will love you when the truth comes out.

4. Purity Interviews

  1. Forms are available to be filled out. Candidates need to do a full confession.
  2. Designated elder (or the parent) needs to physically conduct the interview standing as a representative of God to receive the confession.

5. Face to Face Meeting

  1. Short is better at first. 2 to 3 days is recommended
    1. One family could visit the other family and not bring the candidate.
    2. The candidate could visit with their parents. Or they could bring a sibling or friend along.
    3. Other variations are of course possible.
    4. Privacy away from other church members is recommended to avoid awkwardness and rumors.
  2. Have lots of activities or some project to work on side-by-side. This makes it easier to get to know the person in different settings.
  3. Be sure to have some time near the end for honest sharing of where each person stands regarding a match.
  4. A suggested question. On a scale of 1 to 10, (1 being a definite “no” to going forward and 10 being completely ready to get matched) give your totally honest “gut” number.
  5. If the number is in the middle, discuss what are the issues are and where to go from here.
  6. Go back home and away from the intensity and evaluate the experience. Decide what you want to do next. Then discuss with your parents.

6. Taking 100% Ownership

  1. It is the Portion of Responsibility of the Candidates to take 100% ownership over the matching.
  2. Give them the time and space to do that. Allow them to come to their conclusions in their own unique ways.

E. STEP Five: Making a Decision

1. Make a clear decision at each step. Think of the process as a series of serious decisions, level by level that lead to a match. Possible decisions are:

  1. Don’t want to go forward any more.
  2. Definitely want to go forward to the next level
  3. Can’t make up my mind so I need to prolong this step. What action(s) needs to happen?

2. If candidates agree to accept the match, make sure it is clearly stated (written or verbal) by both people.

3. Make sure the whole family knows about it and is “on board”.

4. Decide on arrangements for a Commitment Ceremony (Engagement Ceremony)

F. STEP Six: Commitment Ceremony

1. Families get together for a Ceremony.

  1. Best for the couple to decide the parts of the ceremony (Songs, pledges, prayers, readings, rings, gifts, etc.)
  2. This is the offering to God.
  3. This is the commitment to go forward to marriage and the Blessing d. Decide about exchanging gifts by family or individual.

2. Decide on a public announcement of the matching. What to announce; when to announce; and how.

G. STEP Seven: Waiting for the Blessing

1. Decide the issue of physical closeness before something “just happens”

  1. Candidates are now betrothed to each other and in the position of Adam and Eve before the Fall.
  2. Expect an attack from Satan.
  3. We suggest you avoid any sexual stimulation of each other until after both the Blessing and legal marriage. As Christians, the highest standard is sexual intimacy only within marriage. You will be glad you kept your purity and so will your descendants.

2. Continue your education more seriously while waiting to receive the Blessing (See Appendix for resources)

  1. Study the differences between men and women.
  2. Study what makes a successful marriage.
  3. Learn more about each other by deeper give and take.
  4. Pray and study about God’s plan for marriage and for your couple specifically.
  5. Attend a Blessing Workshop or comparable event for couples.

3. Practice making all of your plans in life to now include your future spouse.

H. STEP Eight: The Blessing

1. Prepare all necessary registration forms and information. Follow the church requirements for the Blessing.

2. Prepare for all financial expenses that will be needed.

3. Decide and prepare travel arrangements as necessary.

4. Plan your legal marriage. Will it be before or after the Blessing?

5. Have a wonderful experience at the Blessing

I. STEP Nine: After the Blessing

1. Get legally married as soon as possible and before the “First Night” (starting sexual relations).

2. A couple’s “First Night” will be very historical. Please think and pray deeply about it. Unlike Adam and Eve, you will have permission from God to engage in sexual intimacy.

3. Please offer it to God in an appropriate way.

4. Sex is the beginning of an eternal relationship designed by God as the “center of the Universe”. Treat is as the Holy of Holies.

5. Creating oneness takes a long time and years of give and take. But becoming the object partner to God as a couple and bringing forth His lineage is the ultimate joy and consummation of creation.

6. Consider designating one or more “mentor” couples for your marriage. Share about your marriage on a deep level with trusted individuals or couples on a regular basis (preferably monthly).

Unification Sanctuary Matching Handbook: Conclusion